Develop a Habit of Chatting with your Children
“My turn, my turn!” These are words we, as parents, are all too familiar with! The exception, however, seems to occur whenever we ask the question, “How was your school day?” There you are, giddy to pick your darlings up from school, anxious to hear about all the exciting activities their day held and the plethora of knowledge they gained during this glorious day, and instead they sludge to the car, flop their backpacks on the floor, and crawl into the seats with less energy than a sloth. Most of us can relate to the one-word response we typically get, uttered in a tone of absolute boredom as if their day actually did consist of it. “Nothing.” And that’s if they decide to give you something more than their animalistic, proverbial teenage grunt in response.
First of all, you’re not alone! Every parent has experienced the “nothing” response. Second of all, cut them some slack. Their little bodies are growing. Their minds are expanding. Their emotions are exhausted. Their tummies are growling. Give them a minute (and a snack!) before trying to draw out the details of their day. But also, don’t let them get away with never telling you anything. Challenge them, encourage them, help them to reflect on their day and communicate it to you. This is a valuable life skill for them to have and a crucial element to a solid relationship with your child. It will serve them now…and in the future in unmeasurable ways.
One of the biggest things my husband and I have learned in our pursuit of building a bridge of communication with our children has been to intentionally set conversation time into our schedules. We have worked hard to make “chatting” a habit so that it becomes a natural part of their day. Here are a few examples:
1. Chat after school: I know we’ve already covered the obstacle of the “after school” chat, however, there are ways to overcome this hurdle! Try being more specific with your questions. Instead of asking how their day was in one broad sweep, ask what they read in school today. Or, who they sat by at lunch and what they talked about. Or, what was the best part of their day? The worst? Often, I’ll even tell my kids on the way to school what I’m planning to ask them about on the way home from school. This way, they are expecting the question. And…I’m not above a candy bribe if it gets my kids talking! I have a bag of suckers and Laffy Taffy I offer for details about their day. This is when the “My turn, my turn!” comes in. Need a list of more specific questions? Check out my Chatting with Children printable!
2. Chat at the dinner table: At dinner time, we take turns telling each other about our day. Eating has always been a time that brings people together. There is something about filling your stomach that opens a door through which conversation flows naturally.
I am aware that many do not have dinner time together at the table anymore. If this is you, let me encourage you to try to implement it at least once a week. Studies show that children who have regular family meals together benefits in a multitude of ways!
3. Chat after extra-curricular activities: Sports and other extra-curricular activities offer and excellent way for children to learn how to navigate the highs and lows of life. The emotional roller-coaster athletics create in a time-collapsed manner have been proven to benefit youth as they progress into adult situations. Take advantage of the moments you have after these events to break down what happened, what they learned from it, and what they could change next time. Taking time to reflect not only helps them improve in the sport or activity, it is another avenue for helping you build a bridge of communication with your child.
4. Chat at bedtime: Whether it is as simple as a ploy to stay up later or an actual physiological thinning of the emotional veil that holds our children at bay during the day, bedtime seems to be a time when the doors to their hearts and minds are more open. Use this time to go deeper in your chats. Ask them if there are any questions they want to ask you. Is there anything that hurt you today at school? What are you looking forward to tomorrow? How can I specifically pray for you tonight? Fight the urge to put them to bed quickly so you can veg out on the couch. You will only have a brief window of time to do this with your children. Don’t let it slip away!
5. Finally, chat on road trips: You have them captive! This is the time they literally can’t get away, locked in the car for hours on end with nothing to do but pour out their little hearts to you. Ha…Just kidding. I know you are competing with tablets, phones, ear buds, and naps. But I would encourage you to set some technology boundaries and schedule a little time for chatting. And, make it fun! This is a great time to grab your Road Trip Grab Bag and show your kids that you like having fun, too! You never know, they may even end up choosing you over their tablets! Hey, I believe in miracles!
Remember, your window to build this bridge when they are young gets smaller every day. I don’t say this to make you sad… I say this to build urgency within you, to remind you that the season your children are under your roof is short. You can do this! The time to start is now.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…” –Ecclesiastes 3:1
In the fire with you,
Toni
PS. If you get a minute, write me a message and tell me how it went. I love to hear from other parents about how they are being intentional with their children and I love to share the joys and frustrations of raising kids with other like-minded people!