Forging the River
In my last blog, I talked about our family kayaking adventure and how it relates to teaching our children to navigate the submerged boulders of bad ideas the world throws at them. I’d like to continue that analogy to point out a few tactics that parents (myself included!) might use to protect their children from worldly thinking.
Naturally, our temptation as parents is just to remove the possibility of danger in order to protect them. We typically do this in one of two ways… by clearing the path from dangers or preventing them from traveling it. Let’s take a deeper look at these tactics to determine if they’re the best ones to use.
1) Clear the path: Remove any deceptions or worldly ideas they may encounter. This tactic is manifested in a variety of ways. We might be tempted to control their friend group. We might attempt to limit their exposure to current events or cultural movements that contradict our values. We also might closely monitor what they view on television or what movies they watch or what books they read.
I believe all of these actions have their value and should be used to some degree. We should exercise discernment on what we allow our children to watch or listen to or read and with whom they spend their time. This is a worthy goal, parents, but to rely too heavily on this tactic is a futile practice, I’m afraid.
This tactic is akin to me trying to remove all the dangers from the river before my kids float down it. It would be impossible to find all of the obstacles. Some I will miss. Some are too embedded in the riverbed to disengage from their place and some are too heavy for me to lift. Besides, even if I could clear out all the boulders, there will be trees that fall after I have cleared the river. The lies in culture will keep popping up no matter how hard you try to remove them from your child’s path. Despite your greatest efforts, the goal to remove all danger is in vain.
Even if it were possible, however, is that really what you want? If you remove all obstacles, your children will never learn to navigate them on their own. Will you always be with them to prevent them from capsizing? Hopefully not. Isn’t our goal as parents is to raise well-adjusted, faithful, independent adults?
Before offering a solution, let’s take a look at another related tactic commonly used by well-meaning parents: if you can’t clear it, don’t let them do it.
2. Don’t let them do it: Whatever ‘it’ is… kayaking, driving, watching a specific movie, going on a date, reading a specific book… the list goes on and on.
Are you going to prevent your children from experiencing things in life because you are afraid they are too dangerous? If I prevented my kids from kayaking because I was afraid the river was too dangerous, we would have missed some awesome adventures. And, that’s probably the first thing they would try when they gained their independence!
*Please note, I’m not advocating that you send your children off on willy-nilly, life threatening extravaganzas! But, I am saying to carefully contemplate the options before shutting down their plans. The consequences of saying ‘no’ to their request may be far worse than allowing them the freedom to do it. There are things that clearly need to be shut down, no doubt, but don’t let your knee-jerk reaction always be ‘no’. If I prevented my children from everything that caused me to fear for their safety (physically, emotionally, & spiritually), their memory banks would be awfully dry.
More importantly than that, however, they would never have had the opportunity to learn how to navigate the dangers. We’ve already established that we can’t remove them all. No matter what, they are going to face dangers to their faith.
So what option does that leave us to guard their hearts and their minds (and their bodies!)?
Go on the adventure with them! Consider, once again, the kayaking metaphor. The awesome adventure of the river is mixed with possible dangers, just like how the good things in our life are often mixed with the bad ideas in our world. Often, you can’t throw out the bad without throwing the good out with it. Or, as the idiom goes, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Now let’s be real, it’s pretty easy to discern the literal baby from the literal bathwater (if it’s not, we’ve got some other issues to deal with first!). But in life, it’s a lot harder to discern the truth from the lies when they are all wrapped up as one package.
This is where good parenting comes in… instead of being the one doing all the discerning (removing all the dangers), guide your kids through the process of discerning! Teach them to take in the good and discard the rest.
This takes practice! Let’s try it…
Take the commonly heard expression: Follow your heart! Using good discernment entails recognizing both the good and the bad aspects of it.
The good: God created each of us with unique gifts and abilities, passions and desires. When we talk about following our heart, we are talking about pursuing the goals we have in life based on our passions or our gifts. Where do you think those gifts and passions originated? Both the Old and the New Testament make this clear. Psalm 139:13-14 says God created our inner being and our soul is fully aware of this! When we use the term ‘heart’ and ‘soul’, we are referring to our inner being. God created that! Ephesians 2:10 says that we are His workmanship created for good works. Clearly, God created us with unique desires and gifts in order that we use them for His glory. Our heart, without the corruption of sin, would be fully committed to the purposes for which God uniquely created us for. If that’s not a great take-away from the phrase “Follow Your Heart”, I don’t know what is!
But we can’t stop there. The phrase is mixed with an underlying lie that must be flushed out carefully. Let’s keep going with this exercise!
The bad: The phrase “Follow Your Heart” is formulated with the notion that people have a ‘good heart’. Consider the words of Anne Frank, for example. Even with the brutal treatment she’d received at the hands of the Nazis, she wrote, “Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.” The problem with this statement is that it drastically underestimates the hold sin has on our lives. Again, both the Old and New Testament explain the severity in which sin corrupts mankind. Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that the heart is more deceitful than all else and Matthew 15:19 lists all the kinds of evil that come out of the heart. Does this mean that the Bible is contradicting itself? Not at all. God created us with certain abilities and desires in our hearts, but if we use those gifts for our gain rather than His glory, we have grossly abused His Creation.
So we must analyze the desires of our hearts to determine whether they align with the purposes of God or of Satan. The heart, corrupted by sin, is deceitful and if we follow a deceitful heart’s leading, it can only lead to heartbreak. But a heart, purified by Christ, will desire what God desires and produce passions that align with His purpose!
To streamline all of this, Mark simply states, “A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart” (Mark 6:45).
So… after all that, the point is: Allow your children to have experiences that expose them to the reality of the world – the good and the bad are mixed. And then, walk them through the process of discerning!
Here are a few ideas to get you started!
1. Discern the Seeds: Explain what the word discern means by giving your children a sunflower seed and telling them to discern the edible part from the inedible part.
2. Discern the Phrase: Now try discerning the phrase we already broke down: Follow your heart. After that, think up more phrases and help your kids discern them. (Other examples might include: Live your truth, You be you, You are the hero of your story, Love is love…)
3. Discern the Narrative: Finally, pay close attention to the next movie they watch (or read a book your kids are reading in school). Ask them questions to flush out the good ideas from the bad.
Remember…all of this takes practice and it is a practice you can begin at any age, at any time! Our children need to learn discernment now more than ever as social media has opened up the world’s influences to them in a way no other generation has ever experienced. But let not your hearts be troubled, parents! Christ has overcome the world and He created you for a time such as this!
In the fire with you,
Toni
PS. I would love to hear how one of these ‘discernment’ conversations goes with you and your children! Send me a message with your thoughts! :)