Lost in Translation
“Do you even love me, mom?” A tongue-in-cheek question meant to provoke me to linger longer at the bedtime tuck-in. My momma heart twisted. “What do you mean?” My mind frantically began processing all of the ‘I love you’s’ that roll off my tongue every day. I was confused as to where this question came from…so I continued. “I tell you I love you every night when I tuck you in. I tell you I love you every morning when I wake you up. I tell you I love you when I drop you off at school, and when I pick you up from school, and every time you walk out the door to whatever practice you’re off to next…” I trailed off as my mind kept racing through the multitude of times the words ‘I love you’ pour from my lips every day. “Do you really wonder if I love you?”
He answered, “No, mom, I know you love me,” as he resigned himself to losing the bedtime battle. I kissed him goodnight and walked out the door, but I kept wondering. What can I do to make him really know it? Do our girls question my love, too?
As these thoughts plagued my mind, I began to contemplate each of our children. Then, I talked with my husband about it. We began to consider how each of them show love to others. We discussed how they respond to different ways we show love to them. As we reflected on each of our children, patterns began to emerge. Each of our children offered their love to us differently…and when we really began to think about it, each of them received our love differently, too. Let me explain…
The Language Barrier
Have you ever tried to communicate with someone who speaks a foreign language? I have. It didn’t go so well. One time, I tried to discuss a pay clock mix-up with the Hispanic employees on our family farm. My natural tendency was to speak louder and slower, as if their ability to hear was the issue. I smiled and nodded and used some hand motions to communicate the concern. They nodded and smiled and even gave me the thumbs up. Great! Problem solved, I thought. But the following payday, the same issues were present. Speaking louder or slower clearly did not fix the problem of comprehension. They understood bits and pieces of what I was trying to communicate, but definitely not the complexity of the issue. Eventually, we brought in a translator to help us communicate to each other and all was well again on the farm. What might have happened if the language barrier was never bridged? Tensions would have risen and we probably would have lost valuable employees…simply because we spoke different languages.
We have a language barrier in our own families, too. This barrier isn’t in the verbal language we speak. It’s in the love language we speak. I had been speaking a foreign language to my son. He didn’t comprehend the ‘I love you’’ words I dropped on him every day, everywhere! I needed to translate those words into his language! He felt loved when I shoulder bumped him as he walked through the kitchen, or when I hugged him as he worked on his homework, or ruffled his hair when he sat down at the dinner table. When I really wanted to get an “I love you, mommy” from him, it was 100% guaranteed if I tackled him onto his bed.
My Wyndsor, on the other hand, speaks a different love language. At least three times per week I’ll open her folder to find a colored picture, a drawing, or just a simple note telling me how much she loves me. She makes crafts at school during her free time to give to us. One time, she bought her teacher chalk with her own money because the students had used all of hers. As I contemplated her personality, I remembered a Halloween that she made cards to give to everyone she visited while trick-or-treating.
And as I began to study Bristol, I immediately thought of all the times she had asked me to stay and talk at bedtime. She had become extremely inventive in finding ways to get me to linger a little longer and in persuading me to come back again after I had tucked in her siblings. Sometimes, she’d quickly get my attention as I was turning out the lights. “Mommy…” When I paused to hear her concern, she had nothing to say except, “Ummmmm…” as she frantically racked her brain for a topic of conversation. During the day, she was the only one of my kiddos who asked me to join her in her activities. “Will you play Barbie’s with me, mom?” or “Let’s color this picture together.” or “Mom, come sit with me and I’ll read you a book.” At first I chalked it up to having a more demanding personality, but as I dug deeper, I realized she was just trying to love me in her own language.
When Grant asked me if I even loved him, there was a sliver of genuine concern in his heart. My deep, heartfelt love had been lost in translation. Yes, he understood the basic idea that I loved him. But that wasn’t enough. My girls hadn’t verbalized this question yet, but no doubt there were times the question surfaced in their minds. Just like our Hispanic employees could not understand the details of the pay clock issue because I didn’t speak their language, our children cannot understand the depth of our love if we don’t speak their love language.
And often…each one of our children speaks a different love language!
Let not your heart be troubled! These variances are by design! God intentionally made each of our children different! If we could love and discipline each of them the same, raising children would be a piece-of-cake. But fortunately (no, I didn’t mean un-fortunately), there is not a one-size-fits-all formula. There are blessings that emerge as you study your child. It’s like an Easter egg hunt. Every egg you open holds a new treasure! Each child brings with him or her a variety of personality traits that are a gift from God. It is our job to be part of the molding and shaping process. I once heard it said, “We must discipline our children according to the ‘bent’ in their personality.” This is so true! But we must also love our children according to the ‘bent’ in their personality.
If you have not heard about The Five Love Languages, I’d encourage you to watch this short video and read more about it! I’ve included a brief summary of each of them here:
Physical Touch: This child feels most loved when others are physically close to her or she is given hugs, back pats, fist bumps, etc.
Words of Affirmation: This child feels most loved when others say supportive and encouraging words to him.
Quality Time: This child feels most loved when she gets to spend meaningful time with loved ones.
Acts of Service: This child feels most loved when others do thoughtful or helpful tasks for him.
Thoughtful Gifts: This child feels most loved when others give her small tokens or gifts that show they were thinking of her.
To simplify, I usually remember them with the letter T. (Touch, Talk, Time, Tasks, Trinkets.) Here are a few practical steps to help you begin speaking their langauge!
1. Identify their Love Language: Talk with your children about the Five Love Languages. Help them each identify their own. Encourage them to contemplate the love language of their siblings. You could even take this Love Languages Quiz to help you work the process!
2. Speak their Language: Once you’ve identified the ways your children feel most loved, love them accordingly! Encourage them to love their siblings in their own unique love languages, too. (This will stretch them to think of others over themselves!)
3. The Jesus Challenge: Discuss how Jesus spoke all the Love Languages during His ministry on earth. See if you can come up with examples of how Jesus loved others with each Love Language.
And finally…a quick theological thought:
Jesus told His followers (and His critics) that there are two things that are most important in this life. Love God and love others (Mark 12:30-31). These two commandments are intrinsically connected (1 John 4:7-21). When we love others well, we are loving God well.
May we strive to love others with intention, for when we do,
we are speaking God’s love language!
In the fire with you,
Toni