Refining the Arrowsmith
My kid went to the principal’s office. What do I do?
It’s mid-afternoon. You’re just finishing up an email – or putting the last spices into the crock-pot for a delicious home-cooked meal, and the phone rings. An unknown number. At first you plan to send it to voicemail. But you decide to answer. Must be that mom-6th-sense that you’ll soon wish you didn’t have.
“Hello, Mrs. Wilson. This is Johnny’s principal.” Your heart skips a beat. Oh no! Is Johnny okay? Something must have happened to my precious little angel for the principal to be calling! You hold your breath for the bad news.
“I have Johnny in the office with me here. Today at recess he pushed little Billy to the ground. We just can’t tolerate this violent behavior. He’ll be in suspension for the rest of the day.”
All the mom-emotions roar to the surface. Relief that little Johnny is okay. Anger at him that he pushed another kid. Unbelief that your angel could actually do something that others don’t think is adorable. Or maybe skepticism that the teachers are treating him unfairly (little Billy must have done something for your perfect little Johnny to retaliate in such a way!) Maybe even embarrassment that your child is “that child” or defeat that somehow you failed as a mom…
We’ve all been there (or will be at some point!) Whether it is a call from the principal, a teacher, a coach, or someone else, there will be a time that someone approaches you with the horrifying information that your darling little cherub made a bad call. Here’s the thing…don’t flip out. Take a breath and remember it happens to the best of us!
Before you can take action on remedying the behavior with your child, you first have to handle you. Here’s what I mean:
You handle you…
1. Don’t let your emotions lead.
A wise person once said, “Emotions are like toddlers. They’re fun to have around but you should never let them lead.” When we respond out of emotion, our reasoning skills take a back seat…and that’s when bad judgment calls are made. Consider this passage in James 1: 19-20,
“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.”
It’s okay to be angry. You probably will be. But take some time to let that anger subside before you act on it. This is the hardest part! It is your job to model how to control your emotions. God is giving you a chance to practice now! Let your child know you are angry or disappointed, and you will discuss the misbehavior when you have calmed down. As you take that time to calm down, pray! God will give you wisdom, understanding, love, and patience. But you need to be in the right frame of mind to accept it from Him.
2. Remember to consider both sides.
I used to tell the parents of my students, “I won’t believe everything he says about what happens at home if you don’t believe everything that he says happens at school.” The point is that kids typically see things from a very self-centered, self-protecting point of view. Take a step back and consider the issue from both perspectives in order to analyze the situation realistically.
3. Reflect on the words of James 1.
“Consider it great joy, my brothers and sisters, when you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”
The trials are an opportunity for growth! If you step in and protect your child from consequences or just sweep this situation under the rug, you are stripping away a chance for him to grow in his faith. Recognize this opportunity as a learning one – for both of you!
Once you have handled you, then you handle the issue with him. Don’t have an action plan? That’s ok! Most of us didn’t in the moment. Let me share one that has worked for me in these moments. (I had to learn the hard way too!) Check out my blog “Refining a Ruffled Arrow” next month. (Or email me and I’ll send it to you now!)
In the fire with you,
Toni