Re-fletching a Ruffled Arrow
My kid went to the principal’s office. What do I do?
(Part 2)
Okay. So here you are. Grappling with the notion that your child isn’t perfect. The call from the principal confirmed that Johnny is actually a fallen being like you and me. Or, maybe it wasn’t a call from the principal, but something he did under your watch. So what now? Now it is time for arrowsmithing. It is time for straightening and sharpening. Time to point your child toward righteousness.
I remember a time when my perfect little angel talked back to me for the first time. I could not believe that such disrespect was coming from her precious little lips! And more, she defied me! I was flabbergasted that this tender little munchkin could do something so dreadful as defiance! In all honesty, I don’t even remember what the defiance was. I just remember my reaction. I sent her to her room to wait for me. And then I went into the kitchen to pace and pray. I prayed for words of wisdom, declaring His words from James 1:5 that if I ask for wisdom, He would give it generously.
Sounds like I’ve started off on the right foot, right? Wrong! I prayed out of anger, mandating God to fulfill this promise, but lacking belief that He would actually bring it to me. I went back into the room to pour out the words of wisdom that I had demanded from the Father and my mind went absolutely blank. Here I was, ready to sharpen my little arrow into righteousness and I had nothing! I mumbled through the next few moments and then went about my way, stewing over the lack of words He gave me, accusing God of lying to me, angrier now that I had failed in this one-chance-that-my-wise words-could-have-turned-her-whole-life-around moment. (Of course, I’m being facetious and ended up repenting of my ridiculousness when I came to my senses.) But here’s the thing, I didn’t have an action plan to handle the conflict. I just expected God to drop it into my mind in the moment I needed it. No prep from me. No work. Just God making it easy.
Sometimes God does make it easy. Sometimes He does give us the words in the moment we need them most. But mostly, He chooses to bless the preparation we make for those moments.
If you’re feeling like you don’t even know where to start, that’s okay. Here’s a few tips to get your mind clicking:
1. Prepare. This is a 2-part step.
Prepare with prayer. Pray for wisdom, gentleness, understanding, kindness, and grace in the moment. You are not perfect either. Even though you are disappointed, remember all of the times your Father has forgiven you for the mistakes you have made. Be compassionate as He is compassionate. Yes, pray in the moment, but also pray now in preparation for the moment!
Prepare with His Word. Find a passage or a verse or two that speak to the situation. Remember, God’s Word is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword. His Word will bring conviction, but it must be offered with love, not used to beat over your child’s head.
2. Offer facts, then listen.
Once you have an opportunity to talk with your child about the issue, state the facts that you have heard. Then, let your child explain the situation from her point of view. There are always two sides to a story. Listen to hers. (This is a great time to employ James 2:1 – be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry…) Affirm her emotions.Let her know that you understand. If she knows you are on her side, she will be less likely to get defensive and shut you out.
3. Discuss alternatives.
Ask her if there was a better way to handle the situation. Discuss other ways to react when a similar situation arises again. Try role-playing to practice proper responses.
4. Finally, discuss consequences.
Maybe the consequences the school employed are sufficient. Maybe she also needs other consequences from you. Maybe, this is a time to offer grace. But no matter what, be fair. Don’t let your emotions lead. Make sure the consequences match the crime.
Most of all, remember that this is an opportunity for you to build a foundation of communication with your child! Again, consider the words of James 1:
“Consider it great joy, my brothers and sisters, when you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”
This is not only an opportunity for your child to grow, but it is an opportunity for you to grow. Even more than that, it is an opportunity for your relationship with her to grow! If you’re looking for more ways to sharpen your little arrow, sign up for my email list to get notified when I post another tid-bit!
In the fire with you,
Toni